the end

Looks like my litte spout of happiness is over. I thought this one would be different but yet again i fuck it up! i must have been Hitler in my last life. I just wanted him to be the one. I cant talk to anyone cause im too proud to admit that he has said he hates me...that was a right kick in the stomach. Im too weak for this but i dont want him to go...but dont i deserve more than to be shouted at? do i deserve the warm kiss of a loving man and the strong loving cuddle?

i wish i had listened to her, both of them. "be careful" they said " a lepord never changes his spots" they said... i wanna cuddle him but i know he'll push me away. The reason this all started???? i thought he was asleep all day yesterday so i went down stairs to play on my laptop and watch tv...i checked up on him about 5 times to see if he was awake and when i came up at 9 i asked him if he wanted anything to eat and he sai dunno... i told him to text me if he wanted anything. I get a text about midnight saying bring a glass of water up when u come up...so i did he took it off me and said that all i wanted u can go now...i hate you, you selfish fucking bitch. i left the room in tears. when i went back down i held all my tears back cause i didnt want my housemates to see me crying. i texted him saying that the fuck have i done wrong.... and i got a text back saying "u've been down there all fucking day while ive been up here alone, not bothering about me...im going home 2morro whats the point in me being here" How was i supposed to know he had been awake since 7... when i went up he was asleep...i checked on him.

He usually sleeps alot so i thought i woudnt wake him up.... he said he was hungry but when i asked him if he wanted anything to eat at 122.40ish he said dont be pathetic... i cant win! i was awake till 3.30 last night trying to think. i crept into bed...my own bed and within half hour i was still awake.... i tried to put my arm round him but he rolled away... i was meant to be going up nans 2day but i told mum i was feeling unwell....after all i wanted to spend the last couple of hours with him.... i went up the shop and came back with some stuff for him to eat...and to that he said i dont want anything from you. then we argued some more...him telling me he was going to leave me and me pleading with him not to...then he spat in my face and i told him to go...he began packing his stuff and i again pleaded with him not to go and that i really didnt mean what i had just said. he walked down stairs and left me here crying.... i follwed him down after a min or so and tried to talk him out of it... telling him i love him and that i wanted him to stay...he apologised for spittin at me and i apologised for telling him to leave.... we went back up stirs and sat there in silence for about 10 mins when he said well im too fucking tired to go anywhere now so u got ur fucking wish...crawled into bed and went asleep...

i never wanted this to happen again...i thought all this had stopped.... guess its me who is making all this happen...