Life and Death

I'm feeling so down at the moment...im waking up not wanting to go to work or even eat sometimes....My mum's best friend Marion died on thursday...3rd september due to a long battle with cancer...i hate that word cancer. that bastard stole someone i care about. I keep on thinking of all those times where she cleaned up my childhood wounds and stayed there for me when dad went into hospital. I just dont understand why she was taken from us.... she wasnt a bad person and she didnt deserve to die... All i wanna do really is wake up from this nightmare and for me to speak to mum and for her to turn around and say "Marion's is ok" but i know that isnt gonna happen and it hurts...really hurts. god knows what everyone else (her family) is feeling.

i dont know whether its cause im tired or feeling sad... or what but ive been up 20 mins and ive already cried a little... i dont even want to go work. To be honest i dont want to do anything apart from cry and sleep.... Im trying to topen up to people about things but i cant, so i put on a brave face and get on with it.

I always feel like im losing at the moment. My main one is losing Nick, my amazing boyfriend who is trying really hard to be there for me but as per usual i cant fully open up and fuck it hurts not being able to. Damn my stubborn-ness. Maybe its cause i dont feel worthy to get my feelings out or that no one will listen to me.

at the moment all my body is screaming out for is a cuddle and those 3 words...