so here i am, gettin drunk again...my alcahol adivsor WILL be pleased.

Ive now realised everything that was once gold turns to plastic after ive touched it. my hand stings from where ive burned it with solvents. oh well it needs to be done. Kev has got this stupid thing in his head that i hate him and i dont.....not one bit. 5 people in my life have been depressed and they all were/are the people i love...im beginning to think its all down to me. No correct that it IS down to me.... everything i touch, everything i LOVE just hurts other people. Yes this is the first clear blog ive written since ive started but it doesnt mean im any clearer in what im thinking. im sick of being like this...im sick of bringing people down with me. I get drunk cause i get bored or cause i get down. its beginning to burn now.... have i got any soul left? am i going to be 21 grams lighter when i die?
t
im dying to know whats wrong with me....if ive got colitus or ibs or what and with my boobs...... god knows what and to be honest i dont care.

I had a dream last night.... well to tell the truth i had two...one i was breast feeding my own baby but i had a nipple ring in. Its was a girl and i remember my whole family being happy about it....then the next dream was about me and 2 girls on stage singing disney film music. I just dont know what is going on in my head right now.

im scared....help me

moved on in time

so ive moved on in time and now this man is never to darken my heart again. but now i feel i have a bigger struggle to overcome.... Its been two years since i quit and i couldnt be happier. But i have found a new drug....an old friend of mine. she is there for me when paranoid thoughts shadow my mind.. she will be the one that never leaves me even when other people do. Im meant to be trying to cut down...maybe i need to cut me down? or fix me up? Do i feel so low that another will take him away from me because im that ugly? or is it that i feel im too much so he will turn to another?

fuck sake im sick and tired with confusion racing round my head all day. I need to keep busy all day every day. Stops me thinking that way. Is it because ive been hurt or because ive hurt other people that makes me so frantic about losing him? or is it the fact that im just so desparate for love that im going to end up pushing him away?

my head spins, twisted words and lack of a smile. the thoughts in my mind are what haunts me. how can i stop this? Im full of un-answered questions. I cant talk to no one.... Dont want anyone to pretend they even know what im feeling or the fact that they will think less of me..... or him.

is this rose tinted glass shattering before my very own eyes? what can i do to make it better? im gonna get hurt again.... i know it... deep down i know it but i cant stop what im feeling. My drug takes me to a place where im numbed and all thoughts escape me. I'm for once free of what i feel, all my troubles that are weighing me down. is this what you did to me? or does it lye deeper and thicker than that?

is my heart about to get crushed again? just tell me the truth before i hurt too much.