Life and Death

I'm feeling so down at the moment...im waking up not wanting to go to work or even eat sometimes....My mum's best friend Marion died on thursday...3rd september due to a long battle with cancer...i hate that word cancer. that bastard stole someone i care about. I keep on thinking of all those times where she cleaned up my childhood wounds and stayed there for me when dad went into hospital. I just dont understand why she was taken from us.... she wasnt a bad person and she didnt deserve to die... All i wanna do really is wake up from this nightmare and for me to speak to mum and for her to turn around and say "Marion's is ok" but i know that isnt gonna happen and it hurts...really hurts. god knows what everyone else (her family) is feeling.

i dont know whether its cause im tired or feeling sad... or what but ive been up 20 mins and ive already cried a little... i dont even want to go work. To be honest i dont want to do anything apart from cry and sleep.... Im trying to topen up to people about things but i cant, so i put on a brave face and get on with it.

I always feel like im losing at the moment. My main one is losing Nick, my amazing boyfriend who is trying really hard to be there for me but as per usual i cant fully open up and fuck it hurts not being able to. Damn my stubborn-ness. Maybe its cause i dont feel worthy to get my feelings out or that no one will listen to me.

at the moment all my body is screaming out for is a cuddle and those 3 words...

the end

Looks like my litte spout of happiness is over. I thought this one would be different but yet again i fuck it up! i must have been Hitler in my last life. I just wanted him to be the one. I cant talk to anyone cause im too proud to admit that he has said he hates me...that was a right kick in the stomach. Im too weak for this but i dont want him to go...but dont i deserve more than to be shouted at? do i deserve the warm kiss of a loving man and the strong loving cuddle?

i wish i had listened to her, both of them. "be careful" they said " a lepord never changes his spots" they said... i wanna cuddle him but i know he'll push me away. The reason this all started???? i thought he was asleep all day yesterday so i went down stairs to play on my laptop and watch tv...i checked up on him about 5 times to see if he was awake and when i came up at 9 i asked him if he wanted anything to eat and he sai dunno... i told him to text me if he wanted anything. I get a text about midnight saying bring a glass of water up when u come up...so i did he took it off me and said that all i wanted u can go now...i hate you, you selfish fucking bitch. i left the room in tears. when i went back down i held all my tears back cause i didnt want my housemates to see me crying. i texted him saying that the fuck have i done wrong.... and i got a text back saying "u've been down there all fucking day while ive been up here alone, not bothering about me...im going home 2morro whats the point in me being here" How was i supposed to know he had been awake since 7... when i went up he was asleep...i checked on him.

He usually sleeps alot so i thought i woudnt wake him up.... he said he was hungry but when i asked him if he wanted anything to eat at 122.40ish he said dont be pathetic... i cant win! i was awake till 3.30 last night trying to think. i crept into bed...my own bed and within half hour i was still awake.... i tried to put my arm round him but he rolled away... i was meant to be going up nans 2day but i told mum i was feeling unwell....after all i wanted to spend the last couple of hours with him.... i went up the shop and came back with some stuff for him to eat...and to that he said i dont want anything from you. then we argued some more...him telling me he was going to leave me and me pleading with him not to...then he spat in my face and i told him to go...he began packing his stuff and i again pleaded with him not to go and that i really didnt mean what i had just said. he walked down stairs and left me here crying.... i follwed him down after a min or so and tried to talk him out of it... telling him i love him and that i wanted him to stay...he apologised for spittin at me and i apologised for telling him to leave.... we went back up stirs and sat there in silence for about 10 mins when he said well im too fucking tired to go anywhere now so u got ur fucking wish...crawled into bed and went asleep...

i never wanted this to happen again...i thought all this had stopped.... guess its me who is making all this happen...

so here i am, gettin drunk again...my alcahol adivsor WILL be pleased.

Ive now realised everything that was once gold turns to plastic after ive touched it. my hand stings from where ive burned it with solvents. oh well it needs to be done. Kev has got this stupid thing in his head that i hate him and i dont.....not one bit. 5 people in my life have been depressed and they all were/are the people i love...im beginning to think its all down to me. No correct that it IS down to me.... everything i touch, everything i LOVE just hurts other people. Yes this is the first clear blog ive written since ive started but it doesnt mean im any clearer in what im thinking. im sick of being like this...im sick of bringing people down with me. I get drunk cause i get bored or cause i get down. its beginning to burn now.... have i got any soul left? am i going to be 21 grams lighter when i die?
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im dying to know whats wrong with me....if ive got colitus or ibs or what and with my boobs...... god knows what and to be honest i dont care.

I had a dream last night.... well to tell the truth i had two...one i was breast feeding my own baby but i had a nipple ring in. Its was a girl and i remember my whole family being happy about it....then the next dream was about me and 2 girls on stage singing disney film music. I just dont know what is going on in my head right now.

im scared....help me

moved on in time

so ive moved on in time and now this man is never to darken my heart again. but now i feel i have a bigger struggle to overcome.... Its been two years since i quit and i couldnt be happier. But i have found a new drug....an old friend of mine. she is there for me when paranoid thoughts shadow my mind.. she will be the one that never leaves me even when other people do. Im meant to be trying to cut down...maybe i need to cut me down? or fix me up? Do i feel so low that another will take him away from me because im that ugly? or is it that i feel im too much so he will turn to another?

fuck sake im sick and tired with confusion racing round my head all day. I need to keep busy all day every day. Stops me thinking that way. Is it because ive been hurt or because ive hurt other people that makes me so frantic about losing him? or is it the fact that im just so desparate for love that im going to end up pushing him away?

my head spins, twisted words and lack of a smile. the thoughts in my mind are what haunts me. how can i stop this? Im full of un-answered questions. I cant talk to no one.... Dont want anyone to pretend they even know what im feeling or the fact that they will think less of me..... or him.

is this rose tinted glass shattering before my very own eyes? what can i do to make it better? im gonna get hurt again.... i know it... deep down i know it but i cant stop what im feeling. My drug takes me to a place where im numbed and all thoughts escape me. I'm for once free of what i feel, all my troubles that are weighing me down. is this what you did to me? or does it lye deeper and thicker than that?

is my heart about to get crushed again? just tell me the truth before i hurt too much.

the glass that shatters

so how can i tell you? the remains of today still trickle down my body. I sung three words while you were sitting next to me...and u didnt know i was wanting to sing it to you. what the hell am i doing here?

i know i need to break free but you cut so far into my heart that i cant fight you off.

im weak and pathetic, something ive never felt before. why you? why now? feel my heart beat, can you hear it?

"And it hurts my soul Cos I can't let go All these walls are caving in I can't stop my suffering I hate to show that I've lost control Cos I, I keep going right back To the one thing that I need to walk away from"

i wanna run away from you, from everything, and i know you dont read this so im ok with saying what i want on here. You... the person that makes me laugh,cry, want to smile, want to die, want to fall into your arms and want to hit you. I am falling for you and i hate us...for what i feel.



I now write from my heart. The truth is I don’t know how I got this far. How I fell in love with you. I thought I wouldn’t feel like this about you. I never intended to feel like this. I wish I could tell you how much I love you. Every single part of you. But I can’t. I can’t even possibly try to say how I feel, so I hide it. I talk about u all the time. If I could ever get rid of what I feel I wish it was now. I feel so fucking awful because I know I can’t have u now and never, I think that what hurts the most. I’m sitting here next to the memory of us and I can still feel you.

I know why I’m trying to get myself out of this but the truth is I don’t want to. Everything will be so different without you. It’s like I’m addicted to you. When I see you I have no control over my body, over my words, over my actions. I want to do so much more. I want to show you so much more than you already know. I know you can never feel the way I do about u. But I dream every night that you can. I try everything to get my mind off you and nothing works.

I stood there in the dark with tears dripping down my face and all I wanted is for you to come and hold me in your arms and tell me everything would be ok. But who am I kidding? You got me so addicted and you don’t even know it. You don’t even realise everything I write is about you... my blogs, my poems. Everything. God knows how I can tell the whole world how I fell for some man who I knew I couldn’t fall for. I guess it will be easier to tell you through words when I’m far away from you, when I’m just a distant memory... if that at all. If I’m so beautiful why can’t you hold me? I want to scream and just tell the whole world how I feel but how I can when it will ruin us...you...everything. Everyone says your playing mind games and yeah I know you are but I can’t let go this spell you have me under is killing me. The sooner I get away the better.

But would that make it any easier? Will I still crave you? Maybe I don’t love you, that what I keep telling myself but it doesn’t work nothing does. I’ve even tried resembling you with evil things but that just makes me want you more. I’m so pathetic. How can I feel this way about u, you and I are dancing in my head the spotlight is on us, for the first time ever and everything is so warm and all that matters is us? No one else. Why do I let myself feel like this about you? What do you see when you look at me. The truth is no one can ever love u as much as I do and you can never love me as much as I want you to. You gave me beauty and a warm heart full of pain I want you to take the pins out of my heart and wrap yourself around it. But I know this can never be. The stars will always lie to me but I will never forget you.

losing it

i dont want to lose you, i dont want to love you. its my fault im here. wish i had never met you, wish i had never fallen for you. everything gets harder with everyday life. im faking everything about me.

Say you dont love me and ill leave.

ive tried running and hiding but you always know where i am. i hate this but my heart says carry on. maybe for once my mind is right. But why tell me, what you told me? i wish i could scoop all these feelings out and give them back to you. i can smell you, your aftershave lingers and i see you infront of me (a distant memory of which i wish was still here)

i wish i could kiss you, call you mine, hold your hand, say to everyone that we have these feeling for eachother but i know i cant. but our lies are ruining me. evrything i write is about u. Ti amo

sometimes when i know im going to see you i want to run away and pretend im not who i am, i keep trlling myself i dont feel like this about u but its obvious i do. im scared you can see through this mesh of emotions that i hide infront of me as a wall to protect me.

too lost in you.

and another! x

falling more,
deeper into your arms,
trying to stop,
but i am injured,
but i am not fragile,
so dont look at me like i am broke,
Im in too deep,
im wrapped around your heart,
like stone cold steel wire,
brusing you,
crushing you,
suffocating you,
i am the one you cannot escape,
is this love or just games?
is this our fault or singular fault?
you are my addiction,
the one that makes me go under,
yet i laugh when u say what you do,
and still i care,
im dying for you,
but im not breaking free.