the glass that shatters

so how can i tell you? the remains of today still trickle down my body. I sung three words while you were sitting next to me...and u didnt know i was wanting to sing it to you. what the hell am i doing here?

i know i need to break free but you cut so far into my heart that i cant fight you off.

im weak and pathetic, something ive never felt before. why you? why now? feel my heart beat, can you hear it?

"And it hurts my soul Cos I can't let go All these walls are caving in I can't stop my suffering I hate to show that I've lost control Cos I, I keep going right back To the one thing that I need to walk away from"

i wanna run away from you, from everything, and i know you dont read this so im ok with saying what i want on here. You... the person that makes me laugh,cry, want to smile, want to die, want to fall into your arms and want to hit you. I am falling for you and i hate us...for what i feel.



I now write from my heart. The truth is I don’t know how I got this far. How I fell in love with you. I thought I wouldn’t feel like this about you. I never intended to feel like this. I wish I could tell you how much I love you. Every single part of you. But I can’t. I can’t even possibly try to say how I feel, so I hide it. I talk about u all the time. If I could ever get rid of what I feel I wish it was now. I feel so fucking awful because I know I can’t have u now and never, I think that what hurts the most. I’m sitting here next to the memory of us and I can still feel you.

I know why I’m trying to get myself out of this but the truth is I don’t want to. Everything will be so different without you. It’s like I’m addicted to you. When I see you I have no control over my body, over my words, over my actions. I want to do so much more. I want to show you so much more than you already know. I know you can never feel the way I do about u. But I dream every night that you can. I try everything to get my mind off you and nothing works.

I stood there in the dark with tears dripping down my face and all I wanted is for you to come and hold me in your arms and tell me everything would be ok. But who am I kidding? You got me so addicted and you don’t even know it. You don’t even realise everything I write is about you... my blogs, my poems. Everything. God knows how I can tell the whole world how I fell for some man who I knew I couldn’t fall for. I guess it will be easier to tell you through words when I’m far away from you, when I’m just a distant memory... if that at all. If I’m so beautiful why can’t you hold me? I want to scream and just tell the whole world how I feel but how I can when it will ruin us...you...everything. Everyone says your playing mind games and yeah I know you are but I can’t let go this spell you have me under is killing me. The sooner I get away the better.

But would that make it any easier? Will I still crave you? Maybe I don’t love you, that what I keep telling myself but it doesn’t work nothing does. I’ve even tried resembling you with evil things but that just makes me want you more. I’m so pathetic. How can I feel this way about u, you and I are dancing in my head the spotlight is on us, for the first time ever and everything is so warm and all that matters is us? No one else. Why do I let myself feel like this about you? What do you see when you look at me. The truth is no one can ever love u as much as I do and you can never love me as much as I want you to. You gave me beauty and a warm heart full of pain I want you to take the pins out of my heart and wrap yourself around it. But I know this can never be. The stars will always lie to me but I will never forget you.

losing it

i dont want to lose you, i dont want to love you. its my fault im here. wish i had never met you, wish i had never fallen for you. everything gets harder with everyday life. im faking everything about me.

Say you dont love me and ill leave.

ive tried running and hiding but you always know where i am. i hate this but my heart says carry on. maybe for once my mind is right. But why tell me, what you told me? i wish i could scoop all these feelings out and give them back to you. i can smell you, your aftershave lingers and i see you infront of me (a distant memory of which i wish was still here)

i wish i could kiss you, call you mine, hold your hand, say to everyone that we have these feeling for eachother but i know i cant. but our lies are ruining me. evrything i write is about u. Ti amo

sometimes when i know im going to see you i want to run away and pretend im not who i am, i keep trlling myself i dont feel like this about u but its obvious i do. im scared you can see through this mesh of emotions that i hide infront of me as a wall to protect me.

too lost in you.

and another! x

falling more,
deeper into your arms,
trying to stop,
but i am injured,
but i am not fragile,
so dont look at me like i am broke,
Im in too deep,
im wrapped around your heart,
like stone cold steel wire,
brusing you,
crushing you,
suffocating you,
i am the one you cannot escape,
is this love or just games?
is this our fault or singular fault?
you are my addiction,
the one that makes me go under,
yet i laugh when u say what you do,
and still i care,
im dying for you,
but im not breaking free.

and another!

Cause I’ll only love you forever,
So these tears will never dry,
You’ve stained my heart with your smiles,
Engraving my hands with your touch,
But i need you, i want you more,
The little girl you once knew has gone,
Here i stand infront of you in full bloom,
These eyes have seen you,
This mouth wants you,
Dance with me and let me fall into your arms,
Take me like i need to be,
Want me like im wanted,
Cause ill only love you forever ,
And these tears will never dry

new poem!

But you’re not here
And i still cry
I just cant get u out my head
It seems so surreal
The memories are so distant
Why cant you be here?
You erased all of them
The beautiful imperfections of my body
My scars you saw
My heart and body an open book
Missing words and colour
I long to hold you in my arms once more
Till then a distant memory you will be

broken wings

once again i fall from the tree i thought i was stable from. i want to be fixed but im too scared my wings get broken again. I need to have you. (once more) i need to love you (for the first time) i need to say it your face (I LOVE YOU). oh my god oh my god oh my god my heart aches.

she knows something is wrong and i yearn to tell her.

"How did she get this way? How did she get this way? Through tryin’ to hide it. What does it take to say, What does it take to say, She’s dying," eleanor mcevoy - sophie


It feels like i need to run away from you, but i want to grab you and shake you till i know how you actually feel. My butterfly isnt dying even though i cant stop crying. I just speak no sense. my tongue speaks another life and i dont know why or how.

How do i support so many people when i cant even support myself? Can i trust myself? do i love myself? How do people trust me? what makes me so worthy of things? i feel so numb and most of the time all i think of is you. "You" where are you? do i just dream you?

My dreams tell me your "special" That you hold my hand away from the innocent that sits infront of us.

what next?

another old poem....from 2 years ago pt2

running away from the pain,
too ashamed to tell the truth,
already regretting my mistakes,
i know i took your trust and i know your hurting,
belive me i'm telling the truth when i say im sorry,
never do it again it causes too much hurt,
how can i make it up to you.

another old poem....from 2 years ago

something makes me tick im ready to explode,
dont wanna have this feeling no more,
why cant i face the facts that im losing to a cancer thats grown and wont go away,
make the tears of red watch the surface part watch the numbers go down,
something will never change some people will never learn,


strange how im still feeling like this

new poem written today!

ok so its a bit crap but i ran back to write this down and nearly forgot it!!!!

Wasting to fit in,
wasting to be alive,
feeling the emptyness,
just to keep you,
eyes wide shut,
feeling the simplified lust,
the lust for 100,
only you can help,
the numbers shrink,
as my innocence goes up,
Dont tempt me with your heart,
dont expect me to open up,
Ill give you the fake expression,
and you will give me the cold heart.


AS USUAL DONT NICK IT....IF U WANT IT PLEASE ASK!

innocence and me

How does it feel to know that everything you do makes me smile? I crave though i know its not true. i want it to be all in my head. The four walls that now surround me scream with memories from yesterweek. The secrets that surround us tempt us more.

"How do you feel? That is the question But i forget.. you dont expect an easy answer"

wish it could be more. So good so devious. Its all innocent as we pretend that we are different. But i refuse.

And I taste What I could never have. How i wish to be her.

this "innocent" me wants to fly away, to figure me, to be me, to try to love (how can i love when im scared of love) My barriers are still in place but you know how to get through them.

Still the numbers go down and yet i feel happy is it wrong for me to feel like this? I know how i want to be. Kiss me as i fall laugh at me as i stand. But i will never be as weak as when i was before.

addiction

its getting more unbareable. this feeling for more is controlling my body. I want more of one thing an my body wants less of another. who knew i would feel like this. I wear my heart on my sleeve, and i think you know (how i feel) .

I am the angel when i am with you, i am the devil when im speaking your words. I wish i was her. My heart beams but i cannot tell. I wish i knew.

My halo slipped and you became the Sexy Boy, the one who could turn my moods in an instance. This is what im doing and this is why im doing it. I wish i could hold you, taste you, feel you. Im more the woman than you think i am. I've started dreaming (what am i doing?) I can love you more ( i cannot say this) . Im sittint here alone inside your head. Do you think of me? Do you wonder what if?

I shut my eyes and i am with you.

innocence

Through my blue eyes i see things more confusing. I know these feelings too well. So addictive, like a drug i cannot let go. Is it just me?

The river that i walk through gets deeper and i am getting stuck, yet there is no one to rescue me. Im reaching out to grab your hand but i cant reach you through the crowd of nobodies that surround you. The invisables of this world carry you away and im lost, stuck.

It feels like forever.

The dances of my dreams seem so real, then i waken into my life and realise that the dances of my reality seem so empty. How do you feel? Can You understand? Look beside me, look through me, im the glass china doll with the broken face. Yet i carry on smiling. The Stars above tell me that the darkness i see and feel will someday be warm and bright.

The pillows on the bed from the music dance in my mind. With Arms Wide Open i think of you, my distant memory. Would you be proud?

I lay in the place where i saw you and still see you there.

my old poems about family, love and loss?

Someday you'll stop messing my head up,
I thought you'd realise,
now im confused again,
I expect you to do it again,
you've dont it before,
making up will be hard to do,
you lost your mind but i lost my childhood,
you say your sorry but are you really
?maybe its only guilt or shame,
that you lost your only real child,
building the bridge when we havnt got the material,
how can we do it?
you dont even know me,
now im telling you how it really is,
to bring it home to you,
can i ever forgive you?
can i ever trust you?




She woke up screaming out for you,
Too afraid to call,
Lays there in the dark with tears running down her face,
She’s too scared,
shes doesn’t want to admit it,
She picks it up and looks at it,
She thought you could save her,
Now its too late, shes back there,
You ring her but she’s not answering, why?
You can’t figure out whats wrong,
Then you realise….
You play the song over and over in your head,
Shes slowly slipping away and theres nothing you can do,
You race round and see her laying there,
Shes cold but you can still see the tears,
You lay down next to her and pull the duvet up,
Hold her forever Till Death Us Do Part.



smiling, happy butterfly,
keeping people at a distance,
she is glass covered in plastic,
she is the broken winged one trying to fly,
her insides are painted black as the mdnight sky,
her outsies are the reminder of the best summers day,
black and scarred,
will they ever know?
she's trying to break free,
she is the captured one,
how long till she breaks?
she's the one drowning in ignorence,
shes the only one that can save herself,
wait for her to fall and crumble into bits,
satisfy their hungry need for failure




PLEASE DONT STEAL THESE....IF U LIKE THEM PLEASE ASK!!!

The Bitter End - Divided by stones

what is love? what is lust? how can we justify the difference?

How can explain myself when i dont understand? Two paths and yet neither of them i can follow, Yet they pull me every which way and i cannot let go.

144 hours, 10080 seconds and it feels so dark but yet unfamilliar. But when i see the silk of the sea i know i am safe. So why cant the sea protect me? See you at the bitter end. With my hair down and my eyes brightly dark you cannot see the real me.

I Cannot make love. I cannot fuck.

i live on the belief but its the belief that shatters my dreams. Red and green is that all i will see? I wish i could tell the difference between the tangled thorns that press my heart into this so called chest of mine.

Look at me for i am the one who changed. You are the one who made me.

feelings and confusion

garh!

my body is doing what its told for once....shame about my heart not doing what its told... and now i think im finishing in last place.

deseo ser amé, pero no puedo permitirme sentir amor.

¡infierno de mierda corrupto yo más, mirada de la causa u tan buena cuando usted está en mi boca!

the more i think the more i see him. How can i have ambition when i know i will have set back after set back.

its so confusing and i dont know what i can do. I promised myself and now i have let myself down. 2500 down to 1000 and i feel great. just wishing you could see it. 3 down how much more to go? the only thing i can control. No one can over power me now.

refuse me not for i will be a part of your history, and you will be mine too.

fix me?

god i really don't know what is going on in my head....one minute im happy, next im in tears. argh it does my head in.

This HAS to be the end.

Learning something to please someone? where am i really going? why do i feel this " terrible so awful physical aching fucking longing" i have in my body. its almost like i've been poisoned. Im not me anymore. I dont know who i am or where i am.

i'm waiting for this world to kick start fully. life has been spluttering on like a car trying no get on its way. why am i letting myself be like this?

no pienso que puedo hacer frente mucho más de largo, pero biselo dejo voy. guardo el decir sí.

i feel so sick at the moment, this is not doing my body any good but fuck it, i really dont care. i want my end goal and i will get it. Take that which way you like but i can garentee you will be wrong. After all why would you know what i mean?

Remove all my makeup, Fragile face and those broken eyes. am i really who you think i am?

I'm becoming an expert at hiding, now im hiding from you and you cant even try to figure out where i am. "watch them travel, kiss the gravel" is that what you are doing to me? go back to yesterday where i was sane, where my life made sense.

no puedo rechazarle.

the single life.....and me

So, I'm a 21 year old single uni student, that has a heart which doesn't know what its doing. i have no idea what its telling me or even TRYING to tell me. The last 3 days i have feel so attractive and confident and now i feel so strange its unbeliveable. I feel physically hungry but i dont want to eat, i dont feel loved yet i want to be loved.

i dont know if im on a down fall cause i dont know if i took my antidepressants on friday. I thought i would enjoy single life, but all my friends are loved up and there's me, the single uni student who loves the works of Sarah Kane( R.I.P). Isnt it strange what we will do to impress someone?

back to black

i feel so close but i know i got along way to go and its this that is killing me. I dont make any sense. none of this makes sense! why did i let myself feel like this? am i still that confident attractive woman? who or what made me feel like that?

my arms feel so strong but the rest of me feels so weak. what next? do you think its possible for a person to be born in the wrong era? (sarah kane)

look at my skin cause u can see ive been there, and i know you have too.